10 things i hate (not including you)

Here is a small collection of some things I hate (not including you):

Borrowing Things
I hate when I ask someone to borrow something (like their iPod) and they say to me, “Sure, Steve. Just don’t drop it.”

I'm glad you said something because I was going to smash it on the ground the second you handed it to me. But, now that you’ve warned me there’s now way I can make that look like an accident.

Next time I’m just going to cut right to the chase and ask you if I there's something of yours I can break.

Invitations
I strongly dislike when people invite me to things but make it super-unappealing for me because they clearly don’t want me to go.

“So the reservation’s for 19 and there’s barely any room left – just one chair and it's nailed to the ceiling and it has a maximum weight capacity of 5 lbs less than you weigh but if you really want to go, I’m sure it’s no big deal. All you have to do is call the birthday girl – even though you’ve never spoken her in your life -- and she only speaks Hindi, no English -- and just ask her to put you on the list for her private birthday party – the one for friends and family only with no Steves.”

I called.

Concerts
I’m not a fan of when performers say “controversial things” at concerts just to make people like them or think they're cool. That doesn’t work in real life like when your girlfriend's about to break up with you because she just caught you cheating on her and she’s been screaming about how much she hates your guts for hours until finally she says, “Well? What do you have to say for yourself?”

And I yell out “WEED!”

She doesn't start clapping.

Public Bathrooms
One time I was at a Mailbox Etc. and was told that the bathrooms are for customers only. And I was like, “I just got to make a pee-pee. Please!” But the woman was rude and she was like, “Sorry. Customers only.” So I said fine. ”I’d like to buy a stamp.” I paid my 37 cents, got the receipt, took a shit on the bathroom floor and returned the stamp for a full refund on my way out the door.

But later that day I had to mail something so I went back and bought another stamp. Man that place smelled like shit.

Voicemail
Can the cellphone companies just get together for a weekend and agree that pressing # after you’re done leaving a message brings you back to the main menu instead of sending it after you just finished recording a message that ended like this:

"...oh my God, I'm such a loser. I'm recording that again."

“Your message has been sent. Goodbye.”

Art Gallery
It really bothers me when people stare at a paintings at an Art Gallery for really long time s because they have now idea what to do. So here's the SECRET: What you’re SUPPOSED to do is count to 30 in your head and then move on while making a face that says, 'interesting' even though you can't wait to get the fuck out of there.

How Was Your Flight?
“Terrible! I had a layover in Atlanta for two hours. THEN right as we’re about to board they get on the loud speaker and delay us another hour… Finally, they get us all on the plane and we’re about to take off until the captain comes on and says they’re holding us for weather. I look out my window and it’s 90 degrees and sunny – so I said, ‘Maybe we should just drive the plane there!’ didn't I honey?”

Why do you think I actually care about your flight? I was just asking because we have nothing in common and I have nothing else to say to you. What I really want to know is when are you going home?

Phone Rings in the Middle of the Night in a Movie or TV Show
People in movies and TV shows always turn the light on before answering a middle-of-the-night-phonecall. WHY?! WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?

I feel like it was done once and people just thinkt that’s how you’re supposed to make a ‘middle-of-the-night-phonecall' scene. It's how it's done.

If there’s one thing I know I would definitely do if the phone rang in the middle of the night (other than answer it) it would be to turn on 150 watts of blinding light two inches away from my face at three in the morning. But then again, I'm just being logical.

New Number!
Ever get this text from someone you haven't spoken to in 10 years?

"Hey! This is my new number. Just thought you‘d like to know.”

Thank you. That's one more number I'll make sure to never accidentally dial. LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA!

Friend Driving Me to the Airport
Whenever I'm running late to the airport and my friend agrees to drive, he all of a sudden will not break the speed limit. He goes extra slow on purpose just to try and teach me a lesson.

But ultimately it is I who teaches him the lesson because I have lied about my departure time, and we left 3 hours before we had to and I made him drive me to the wrong airport first. This way he guns it across town to the right airport because he hates me so much and he can't stand being in a car with me. There's definitely a lesson in there.

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names

"Say my name, say my name..." - Destiny's Child

"I don't know it." - Me

I can’t remember people’s names and it makes me feel like an asshole. And it’s not because I’m worried people will think I don’t care about them -- because I don’t. That’s no secret. It’s for practical reasons -- like when I’m sitting next to someone and I need them to ‘pass me that thing over there.’ If I knew their name I wouldn’t have to stare at them for four straight minutes like a psychopath until they finally look up at me. "Can I borrow a pen?”

When I run into someone on the street whose name I can’t remember, I don’t listen to a goddamn word they say. I just stare at their heads for the entire conversation and run through the alphabet. Fuck the alphabet.

What I really love is when I’m talking to one person whose name I don’t know and another person whose name I don’t know comes over to say hi. So happy to see you! And now I’m like fuckin Friendster and I'm supposed to introduce these idiots.

I usually just say, “HEY! You know…” and then HOPE TO GOD one of them will cut me off before I finish speaking and fill in the blank with their name. Then I act surprised, apologize and pretend that I thought they knew each other even though we all know I'm completely full of shit.

But this time that didn’t happen. Instead, after about three beats of intense awkward silence, I had to finish my sentence. So I just made up a name. I went with “An-ge-la.”

She goes, “Who the FUCK is Angela? I'm Michelle. And why the fuck are you introducing me to the guy I live with? He’s my boyfriend, you idiot.”

I wish people wore name tags. Would that be so bad? The janitors do it and they’re the dumbest people on the planet. People are more responsive when you know their names. Instead of saying, “Hey, YOU, get on your goddamn hands and knees and clean up that puke right now.” The principal can say, “Carl, get on your goddamn hands and knees...etc.” What do you think Carl is more likely to respond to? If you said both, you’re right because Carl’s not gonna risk violating his parole again with another one of his angry outbursts. He knows if he does he’s going right back to the hole.

I like the people who have the balls to call you on it:

“Whatup, Steve? You remember me?”
“Yeah. (lie) Of I course I do!”
“What’s my name?”

Motherfucker. I have no idea. I had no other choice but to use my secret weapon - ‘reverse psychology’ – people used to use it on me all the time when I was one.

“Hey everyone, this guy doesn’t know his own name!”
“Haha, funny - what's my name?”

Seriously? Why are you doing this to me? Please stop. But at the same time, why can’t I just get myself to admit that I don’t know it? If I could do that this would all be over. BUT I CAN’T! Finally he told me. So I go, "I know, dude." Another lie.

The best feeling in the world though is KNOWING someone’s name. When I know someone’s name I use the shit out of it. “Hey JAY! How’s it going JAY? This is Jay everybody! Oh, JAY that’s a funny story. Do you know Jay? Jay, Jay, Jay!”

But that doesn’t happen very often. There are so many places I go to on a regular basis where I should know people’s names but definitely don’t. I’ve been going to the same gym for years and - even though I've talked to tons of people - I don’t know anyone. Now I wear headphones from the moment I get out of my car to the moment I get back in it. I’m constantly wearing headphones. Even when my ipod’s dead. I listen to nothing. And if somebody starts walking towards me I bob my head like I'm jamming out. Jamming out to nothing. Sometimes people come up to me to tell that my headphones aren’t connected to anything – and then they show me the cord. I usually have no response to that.

I go to the same Starbucks everyday. The girl who works at the counter always remembers my name (which makes me feel good – like I’m the president of my own company) but I have no clue what her name is (which makes her feel bad – like she works at Starbucks). I’ve never even bothered to ask her. I guess it’s because she’s just a stupid machine to me.

There's a woman that’s been living above me for over two years who’s super loud. It sounds like she has hooves. She’s like a Minotaur or something. She loves to dance and blow on that wood flute thing while she weaves wild tales about Dionysus or whatever. Anyway about once a week when she gets too loud I bang my broomstick against the ceiling and shout, “SHUT THE FUCK UP MINOTAUR!” And she does. The following morning we'll say ‘hello’ to each other as if nothing ever happened. I wish I knew her name. Minotaur is such a long word to shout.

Does anybody know who my mailman is? How about my dry cleaner whose been scrubbing the cum stains off my pants for the last 5 years?

So what do we do, other than study Facebook everyday before you leave the house? I'm glad you asked. I’ve developed a foolproof way to figure out someone’s name no matter where you are.

As the person you don't remember approaches you call your best friend. Once the person gets there just hand them your phone. Chances are your best friend on the phone will be like, “Who the hell is this?” and the person standing in front of you will answer, “Naaaame…who’s this?” They won’t know each other so at that point 'Name' will just hand you back your phone. NOTE: If you forget 'Name's' name from the time 'Name' says it to the time 'Name' hands you back the phone just call somebody else.

DISCLAIMER: Due to the nature of this story all characters in it will remain nameless at the present time.

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To see Stephen's videos visit www.thebsquad.com.